To bounce off my other post about knowing when the time is right to begin talking with a counsellor, this is about knowing when your child might be having difficulties enough to find a counsellor to help him or her or them.
The complications with children really are about these factors:
- relationship with parent
- personality
- situation specific
- impact on self or others
- developmental
Relationship – Parents might be uncertain about whether the issues they are seeing with their child are based solely in the parent-child relationship. When a parent concludes this, their decision might be that the situation does not require any assistance from a professional. The problem(s) might still persist, but the parent believes that it is something contained to the relationship, and therefore the child might outgrow the behaviour. For example, a child might only insist or demand that their mother sleep with them, because they are afraid. At times when the mother is unavailable to sleep with the child, the other adult is able to put the child to bed with relatively little difficulty. But when the mother is available again, the pattern repeats itself. And mother complies by sleeping again with the child.
Personality – Children’s personalities are evolving and developing. There is always a certain amount of uncertainty as children grow as to whether their personalities are showing greater signs of being based on nature, or greater signs of being based on nurture or a combination of both. Indeed this is a fascinating adventure, the one of watching and hypothesizing about where a specific characteristic is from, and who else appears to genetically display it. However, this undertaking will not bring anyone closer to a decision about whether that characteristic or behaviour is problematic in a way that requires professional involvement.
Situation – Similar to the above point regarding issues that might be specific to a relationship, the question about whether an issue is related to a specific situation is also a necessary consideration. Of course, this point overlaps with the above point about the child’s personality, however there is still a possibility that it can be isolated and considered in singularity. Small children, who have little exposure to other children and therefore little opportunity to learn social skills, might consistently behave in an overly aggressive manner with other children are present. The opposite is also true for children, in that they might behave with tremendous shyness and not engage at all with other children. This is the point which might be the easiest of all, to declare that further information or observation is needed before being able to say that a child needs “professional” help. Typically, at first point of contact with a professional, a common question is about how often the behaviour is occurring and in how many different settings. The use of the word, behaviour, is intentional because depending on the age of children, much of what a child feels, will be displayed in their behaviour.
Impact – Regarding point #4, the importance here is about how much of an impact the behaviour has on the child, to the point where they are no longer learning other skills, or not being exposed to other situations, that they should as a course of their developmental stage. For example, youth who experience anxiety or intense nervousness, might restrict themselves from going out with other youth. Children who do not like experiencing a certain feeling when exposed to something, might avoid it as a coping strategy. Too much avoidance at any time, about anything, is never a good thing. And here, preference is not to be used as an excuse when avoidance is the real goal of the youth or child. For example, “I don’t like going to the playground!” “I don’t like talking to people.”
Development – Finally, and another logical step following #4, is about what is appropriate for a child or youth developmentally. Left unaddressed, children and youth miss out on vital opportunities to develop skills that are necessary for them in leading a productive, independent and satisfactory life, if their avoidant behaviour prevents them from learning. The child who might avoid playing with others because they are afraid that someone will not like them, never gets the chance to experience what is normal for the majority of the human race. Without the chance to experience, there is no chance to develop skills.
Ultimately the decision to consult a counsellor is a decision that will be different for every individual because of individual levels of tolerance or acceptance of behaviours as normal. My best advice is to consider viewing the child or youth with as much objectivity as you can muster. Ask the child or youth questions if you don’t know the answer or are not sure about whether you are right about your “guesses”.
Marie Lang – Sky Counselling Services – langmarie@rogers.com
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